geez. how can i…

geez. how can i describe how i HATE MYSELF SO MUCH????????


ohmaigod. i want to die so badly.


i hate this world. i hate everything about this world. 

verughhg. just so freaking stress out with my exam tomorrow. begok. banyak lagi tak cover. cam taik je rase bile cramming cam org giler.


addressing the problem

yesterday was the day where i felt so stressful. and today, i was thinking, why do i feel like that? i need to address why am i feeling like that and find the solution for this problem. i cannot keep feeling like this.

ok lets define the problem. the problem is, during the clinical attachment, i am lazy to make any effort to talk with my irish friends because i am lazy to hear and concentrate at what they say.

in lecture also, i only like to mingle with my irish friends that i already know. i need to talk to someone else, dont just stick to my own bunch of friends.

and i need to learn to speak irish.

so the solution is:

1)im going to join the netball club.

2)im going to learn how to speak irish.

3)i will work harder next time.

its only 3 things. not really hard work.

by the end of my first year, this problem should have been addressed. i just need to settle this problem and i will be okay again, i guess! =D

on the way back home, i was thinking and doing some reflective thinking.

my patient, he has a lot of disease. i am so proud of him that he can survive everything, and still give smiles to everyone.

even he had lost his wife and son.

i dont think i am that strong to do that.

my family is my core structure. if i lost them, everything might collapse. i love my mom. i hope Allah will make their age longer than me because i dont want to experience the time when i lost them. it is too painful.

my support structure is the only thing that i hold on. its my best friends, my family, and my health.

i am not strong. if something happen to me, i always ask, why is that happening to me??? i dont want to try anymore!! i GIVE UP!!


life is so hard.


my tutor said, i have a massive problem with my self-confidence. i did not see myself like this before. i was such an open person. but now, i feel like ive slowly changed.i do not want this change.

but as i observe myself properly, i begin to think more about myself. i am not confident with myself, yes.

i do not like to work in a group. i love to do things on my own to escape communicating with people.

i dont like it.

my tutor also said that i am too hard on myself. he really understad my feeling i cant believe it.

i dont know. things are not good for me recently.

whenever i see someone beautiful, i feel like im so ugly. that i cannot talk to her. that she shouldnt even can see me here. this black shadown in that room.

i know. what had happened to me?

where is the feeling that im so beautiful that i have before?

why i feel like im so ugly and not beautiful and theres always something wrong with me even after i had spent like 4 hours in the gym breakingg fat.

maybe because i keep comparing myself with them. they have long brown hair.. my hair is just black. they have lovely eyes.

i dont know.

this time like this, i miss talking to my best friend, jelina. i dont know how can i survive without her. shes so kind to me. shes so beautiful but she didnt judge me. she didnt make me feel im ugly.

i am not ugly!! yes, i have to keep telling that to myself.

i need to do something with this.


they said the last week is the buziest week!
yeap. i found it true. i am so guilty. because i havent finished lots of things to study.

my formative assessment is going to be next week.
portfolio.-checked. will be done by 10 tonigt
family attachment.-this troublesome thing..i think my partner,demott has already settle that. i know! that is whats wrong with me. i always want someone else to do the work for me. how can this work?? im supposed to be the hardworking person. but he? he just love to do all those works. hes a postgraduate. i dont know whether i should be happy or not with that.
essay.-done. just have to double check the grammar second or third time.
revision for formative assessment

GMP -going to do it tonight. just do as much as i can. but dont expect much. maybe i can only cover 20 lecture notes tonight.
SPP-nope. nothing.
CTO- done until 1-25. going to study some during my visit at london. hahahahahaha. or not? i dont think so. london is supposed to be awesome place to enjoy and have FUN.

oh sile betulkan niat anda.

ok actually, there is this conference in imperial. looks awesome. i want to meet awesome people there. and just talk to them. i know. sometimes i am so awkward. i love to mingle with my friends only. this is the time where i NEED TO TALK and mingle with other peopl!


yeah i just feel inferior. but well, maybe if i can cover this GMP, i wont feel that inferior.


and thats it. haha. not that really buzy eh?

but well, i need to score at least 90 for my formative assessment. so yeah.

but well, this weekend im going to enjoy myself in LONDON!! so who cares with all those junk anyway?!!!

im so pathetic.

everything that i do,,no one care about me.

i want someone who can love me for whatever i am..

but where is love?????

why i cant get what i want??

am i not beautiful for everybody???

am i too fat??

i just want have the feeling to be loved and to love someone..

i dont know..

i feel myself so pathetic because i dont have any boyfriend .

i know this path that i choose is real hard.

but i have to do it.

for the ummah. to help people. to give hope to people. to be a great slave of HIM..

ya allah..i cant do anything without You helping me..

im sorry i always do lots of bad things…

but i wan to do this.

i wan to improve myself but it is just too hard..

i know aku tak layak pun nak dapat ape2 dr pada Kau kerana aku bukan seorang hamba yang baik..

ya allah ampunkan dosaku…

i know i dont deserve anything.. but i plead for you..give me guidance..i cannot do this alone by myself..give me Your love and guidance to me ya allahhh..

please help me..give me strentgh….

to push away all the bad things..

alhamdulillah..jadikanaku hambamu yg sentiasa bersyuku..=)


heylow my blog reader.

haha. i dont really think this blog got any reader.

im so stressed out.

SO STRESS, seriously.

ok apsal aku kate aku stress.

first, sebab kawan aku kate aku ni slalu stress je die tengok.

so aku stress sebab org kate aku cepat stress, which is not a good thing. i felt like crying.

i spent so much time on TETRIS, the STUPID tetris….hich doesnt give me any benefit.

and i got so many homework..and i didnt even touch them yet.

and also other reasons…..

the fact that my buzy body dad already be the fanatic of my blogger.


i dont know what to do in my life. i fell like im so USELESS…………………………….

nape la aku dilahirkn dlm dunia niiii..hadoi.

i wish i was born as wind or flower instead of a HUMAN BEING.


screening the influences

i will tell this once in my blog. and regularly to myself. to keep me focus and yeah, striking the significance things in my life.

im going to be a career-driven person! haha.

yeah, rite.

i will pursue my career, my personal life-long education.

because i believe, we only got one chance in our life. SO?! take the oppoturnity.

im aiming of doing my houseman ship 2-3 years at UK…then further ed….probably aiming for oxbridge or edin..but, yeah..put away all the unnecessary influence!!

eighth day :

i was wrong. the journey to the great ocean should be worth the reward. the scenery is spectacular.

well2. i wonder why someone would come over all 4-6 hours just to see the wonder of the worlds like that. aha! i know u need to see some pictures. i got dozen..or should i say,,hundreds?

so theres a total 12 ”wonder” or ”landmarks” at the great ocean that are build up from the strong wind. the wind is superb and powerful enough to blow a little baby 1 mile away. like, seriously. u can even hear something like ”wuuuuu…” and ”grrrrr..” when the faster air friction with the warmer air.(hey!!! is this thing really exist?!!!)and yeah, dont forget to wear your sweater even if its not cold enough (trust me, its more than cold here) because the wind can also blow your tudung away. of course, other than that, its famous because of the seriously LONG and CURVY road along the coast line (243 km) that can fizzle up your mind if u dont sit properly due to super headache.

looking at this picture make u feel serene right? its like, u forgot almost all of your problems in instance. u breeze the midst air of sand and bubble of the sea..with the strong wind that carries your problem away…..but in the end, yeah, the picture will vanish from your sight and all left is just imagination and temporary memory of the pictures stuck up in your frontal lobe. lets just praise Allah for His superb creation.

(so sorry..cannot upload other people picture’s coz they will lecture me on ”not-your-right-to-publish-other-people-picture”. and for budak nih..she doesnt even know what is ”right”! )